Message to nicholas

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I am sure you know who I am even though we have never met. I am going to go out on a limb and say that this is probably mostly my fault. Please understand that there has never been a day when I haven't gone to bed without thinking about you, your sister and your brother. I will not take all the blame because there is plenty to go around. 

Something I wanted to add and say to you directly is I was completely surprised when I heard that Skip and Cherie adopted you.  Wow! Can you imagine how much love there is in that household? I think it is wonderful and wish I could have been there to greet you into the family. Since I wasn't able to be there....WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.

I am sure there will be a lot of people upset that I am putting together this website, but it is probably the only way you will be able to learn a few things about me and your grandmother. Please be assured that I will not be saying bad things about your parents. To the contrary, you might be surprised how much I commend them.

I am going to assume that we both know your fathers’ opinions. Your father and I have made several attempts at reconciliation over the years but have not been able to come to any kind of agreement or understanding. 

I would imagine your big question is "why". There is a simple 2-part answer. First, your father has and is doing exactly what I tried to teach him as he was growing up and I pray he has been teaching you the same lessons. At this point, it does not matter "what" our differences or arguments were about but what matters is that your parents are standing together. God, I respect and admire that.

The second part of the answer is a little more difficult to understand because I am mad as hell on one side and so damn proud on the other side that I brag about your parents, your sister, your brother, and you. I hope you will someday understand.

 
I am not going to get into a pissing contest with your parents. I am confident that they have plenty of good reasons for making their decision. On the other hand, I understand some of them and might even have a few of my own. Right....Wrong....Indifferent... it doesn't mater.
 

Your parents made a decision. Looking back it is hard to find very many things I did right and I probably have one of the worst track records possible as a parent. 

I certainly do not like their decision, but I can understand it and have done my best to respect it (well almost). Over the years I have tried to "threaten" your parents into letting us spend some time with you. While speaking with your father recently, I now realize I was only making things worse. Just another failure on my part. As I sit here in my older age, I have concluded that “we” (your father and I) did not communicate very well. I was always too busy, or something got in the way. We lost a lot. I imagine your father, aunt and uncle probably just got tired of trying and just gave up. 

What is important to me is you tell your parents you love them and hug them every day. Listen to them because they are pretty smart people. 

Recently with all this Covid19 “stuff”, I have had a lot of time to think about years past and all the mistakes that have been made. I have been trying to understand the “why” of what happened but have not thought of too many things that could have been changed. My only defense is that I have always thought I was doing the right thing and making the right decisions. I guess I proved the old adage that “the roads are paved with good intentions”.

Throughout this web/information site, I will be describing a few things that your father and I have never discussed. Some of it might explain why I made some of the choices while your father and siblings were growing up. Just a few tidbits you might find interesting.